fiction

MEME ART – #1 MISCELLANEOUS HUMOR

/ Vishu Mishra / Leave a comment

 

My Cussing Prelude – Oh WOW! This page is nothing like those poop-skudoop posts, where u have to break your thumb and keep clicking NEXT! just to view that 1 photo per page.

All in one here. why??  because Its a creative blog {Angry face: blue-blistering-barnacles ,cuss of Captain Haddock}.

..and not some effing infomercial disguised as creativity LOL

 

I have tried humor with a bunch of topics. Let’s see if it makes you laugh a bit or encourages you to even share this among your friends with a  new ‘nudge-nudge, wink-wink ‘ fillip.

 

Just Ten  Memes to start with. Here we go-

 

 

#1 For all those stalkers , who never talk to you on chat-screens or even give heed to your presence on the internet. They just keep  around to stalk your DP’s,  cover photo’s , Selfies i.e. by either latching enviously  & hoping that you turn either fat and dull one day or keep their click-pads ready ,to save your pictures in their secret vaults. Here’s how you may take them ‘bulls by horn’. Go ahead and make this your DP for a day!

bomb

 

#2  Remember those LAN gaming days ! Enthused with endless hours of gaming. This is what could have actually happened to you if you din’t have a Monday to attend some work. This picture below is what happened to a boy in USA who kept playing for a month. It’s true, am not joking!

(nudge-nudge,wink-wink)

counter strike meme

 

#3 If we could actually turn so smart with smartphones and get globally competent with internet. If i were the PM,I would do a Harlem Shake ;the moment i could finish all other problems and focus singularly on digitalising my nation. But I can only ..Sigh! & Face-palm!

digital india

 

 

#4  Retrospective  or Retrograde? – By the end of 20th century everything shrunk. Even the stages of young life, childhood went missing on Internet Error #404 (not found )and boyhood was leaping strides into adulthood. It’s like an Iron quenched too fast too bad. If i could tell these kids everything about 90’s. It was childhood’s final stand against an invading 21st century!

 

Finding childhood

 

#5  You can always suffer with the delightful company of these friends! They will calorie count everything, keep IOS calorie counting applications ready in their mobiles. They will drink green tea like their life depends on it, refuse sweets like its poison, disown oily food & try to balance everything like  christian bale playing American Psycho.

Except! they will always keep sedentary lifestyles, keep up with weekend alcoholism & party glutton. They will never get up early to run or hit the gym regularly.By the end of  year! their energy balance sheet is in surplus & insolvent,their health knowledge database is still restricted to tips & magazine fads with commercially biased monologues and their new year resolution is back to square one. Hey! you still look the same.

Kermit The Snitch

 

 

#6 The Lollers – I just hate them. Those Mo-F#%^&R@. They LOL at everything,while texting and vocally as well! Tell them your best joke and you will never know if what you said is even funny! Aren’t they too laid back and full of themselves?

This Meme-way should be meted out to them,isn’t it?

lollers

 

 

#7 The Metabolic Beings – On one hand, i crave for things i just can’t eat because i get fat. Then there are  these people, who can eat just about everything in wholesome amount. They either make fun of me or crib about their falling weight. I rather doubt if they will ever gain!

 

metabolism

 

 

#8  The world is literally consuming the pathos in Africa and poverty of other nations. It has perverted so much that recently a new term was coined to flak all these self-congratulatory NGO enthusiasts . These critics asked them to stop making a ‘poverty Porn’ out of African culture and others.

These  people want to pose with them and show the world what they are upto. They start by stealing a barrel of their Nature’s juice  and payback through a tiny dripper. It will never suffice in that manner. So ,stop trying to help or Help but don’t show to the world that your trying! Let the smart african kid tell you- ‘In your face’

nobel

 

#9 The Dog Awwer Girl- This is to remind the Dog awwing girls on social network that the real dogs are laughing on them.The only way to find out is to find out!

Check out what the Hustling Husky has to say-

Pun Dog

 

#10 The Cat Connection – When the digital world shall be doomed  then cat videos will revive it. No matter what you do on social network or any mass broadcasting center. If you know this golden rule you can always bank on it ,  even in your most desperate times. When nothing sells, cat memes & cat videos Shall! Touche’

Million dollar question – If required, would a cat really care for you?

sad cat

 

Meme Art - #1 Miscellaneous Humor

Meme Art – #1 Miscellaneous Humor

 

Vishu Mishra

29-10-2015

Junkman’s movie review – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

/ Vishu Mishra / Leave a comment
The storyteller - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

The storyteller – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Statutory warning – Spoilers, Explicit content

So here’s the deal,

Jonathan Liebesman’s new release,‘ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)‘ is a good movie to watch.

Director Jonathan Liebesman -teenage mutant ninja turtles 2014

Director Jonathan Liebesman -teenage mutant ninja turtles 2014

To Humor such a long name, let’s call it old and goody ‘a Ninja Turtles movie’ instead 😀

A.  Movie plot : The foot gang spreads malice in the city. Ninja turtles are vigilante’ that keep bumping up their plans. The driving motive for turtles’ heroic is unclear. The protagonist (turtles) are driven by curiosity and adrenalin. However the background, their decision to fight for city is unclear.Likewise, the history of the foot gang is missing. Megan fox plays a rookie reporter.She accidentally drops into middle of few combats and pursuant  to it, connects her in the turtle’s story.

B.  Movie Story : It’s very agreeable to the old comics & TV series of ninja turtles.

These teenage ninja turtles keep showing up to malice in city. Megan fox accidentally peeks into a crime scene and uncovers the turtles as vigilante of New York city. Her involvement with uncovering these turtles leads her into her past.Meanwhile, the assault of foot gang grows stronger . The turning point appears to be the bust into turtles’s safe home in severs.The story doesn’t involve lot of twist and turns, neither it has much unveiling elements. It’s quite flat , yet full of turtle comedy and action sequences .Though, there is one important revelation towards the end.

Climax has lot of eyegasmic action scenes. It is filled with compact comedy and superb action. The best thing about the story, is that it rises towards the end. It holds action & comedy all along.

Ninja turtles (movie ,2014)

Ninja turtles (movie ,2014)

C.  Movie Screenplay : The 3-D experience is viewer- friendly. The appearance, stature & character depiction of turtles is right on money.The costumes, energy level, combat skills, underground turtle bunker , techi/teenage turtle talks is wonderful and adds brilliantly to the comedy-action combo.

The weaker link, is sequences of Megan fox in her solo scenes & desperate reporter modes.The acting is downright flat and meager. The scenes at the villain end are stereotypical. It is however gullible to some extent, it aligns with the old comics style.

There is a plenty load of fresh action and comedy. It is’ trademark turtle’ stuff 😀 and holds the audience in applause & laughter. It is very originally thought out. In short, turtles hold 80% of good experience, 15% is held by villians & 3-5% by megan fox.

D.  Villain : Shredder, leader of the foot gang-is heavy weight, always dressed in iron suit, equipped with knives & holds high martial art skills.However, his charisma is very off-putting & there is no info on his history.He is just a tough iron suit with no smart dialogues.The gang members are shown incompetent,they look like mannequins ,practicing dolls for turtles & they are unable to add any presence in the combat sequences.

Villain shredder - teenage mutant ninja turtles, 2014 movie

Villain shredder – teenage mutant ninja turtles, 2014 movie

Mr. sax is the schemer for all evil plans. The role is limited to providing information & managing his scum lab.

The villainous end could have created more charisma with dialogues & providing elaborated  role to Mr. Sax.

E.  Megan Fox hotness Quotient:-

This is an extra and un-usual addition in my review. I feel  it is quite necessary, considering the hype over Megan fox’s world class hotness notion.

It is downright disappointing & dry in this movie. She moves around the full time, in one or two pair of clothes. ( brown jacket, black trousers).Considering her U.S.P. being hotness, nothing is dropped hot on the screen.There are no hot dresses, no skin revelation or providing any kind of steam! It actually din’t matter for a minute, who is playing  a hot reporter in the movie! The hotness tag is completely down-played & cut-out!

Megan fox , playing reporter in the movie

Megan fox , playing reporter in the movie

 

Megan fox, side profile, reporter in ninja turtles, movie- 2014

Megan fox, side profile, reporter in ninja turtles, movie- 2014

 

Megan fox, no hotness dropped in movie

Megan fox, no hotness dropped in movie

If i were the producer of this movie, I could get more hotness for lesser budget! & hype maybe. Ingenuously speaking, that is all is required in such a plot! There’s not much scope for reporter’ acting & neither one can employ a stalwart actress to this role ( nor it is!!) Mr. Producer, please get hotness & get rid of unworthy brands & hype!

 

This is what you guys missed from megan fox. Some dose of this! & movie would have been a ‘hell-yeah’! 😀

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

F.  Movie Acting :

1. Turtles : Fabulous, comic, consistent to character & highly like-able.

2. Villian : Stereotypical, stoical, lacks charisma, lacks expression.

3. Megan Fox : Needs more skin tan!

Acting is meagre, dialogue delivery has no voice modulation, face expressions are stony. She needs to laugh out loud to look more natural! & she should look more emotionally/mentallyvulnerable in such a plot!

Here, she looks very firm, mentally resolved & a situation handler. It goes against the scenes.

G.   Summarizing flaws in the movie:-

1. Why did the turtles turn ninja & how did they procure such an expert training & typical weaponry by living in sewers!(reasons shown are insufficient.)

2. The primary motto of the dreaded foot-gang  is missing. They are guided & driven by Mr. sax.

3. The plan to create chemical catastrophe & sell anti-dote could be achieved with synthesis of another chemical & another anti-dote also!!   The specialty of ‘turtle-blood’ plan wasn’t dexterously laid out.

4. why does a professional reporter ( Megan Fox) doesn’t shoot her story with a professional camera/handy-cam. She roams around  with a phone camera! It seems like a very loose and un-thoughtful end.

5. First encounter, it is very difficult to distinguish whether a smuggling or a normal container shifting is being processed on the  docks.How does megan fox pre-meditatively, marks it as a crime scene from such a distant /difficult view outside.

6. Second encounter, it is ridiculous to see how a rookie reporter enters a terrorized metro station and right from the Main entrance!  She courageously charges in, rather sneaking would have seemed more realistic and genuine.It does not hold, even with the most risk  taking reporting! She could have sneaked in from another door & then get caught as scripted instead.

7. The driving motive of turtles, ‘saving New York city‘ is un-consolidated.

 

Junkman's movie review - teenage mutant ninja turtles (2014)

Junkman’s movie review – teenage mutant ninja turtles (2014)

Junkman’s movie Score parameters –

  • Screenplay ( 2points ,most important in a comic based movie)
  • Overall comedy & action ( 2 points, entertainment driver of movie)
  • Story (1 point)
  • Plot(1 point)
  • Villian (1 point, importance of antagonist is imminent)
  • final encounter/climax ( (1 point)
  • Acting (1 point)
  • justification to comics/series (1 point, unavoidable parameter , binds viewer’s expectation beforehand)
  • Cliche/flaws( -1 point, negatives used to reduce the total score)
  • Extra point ( 1 point, efforts on surrounding elements)

Junkman’s Movie Score :

  • Screenplay ( 90%)
  • Overall comedy & action (95%,excellent)
  • Story (75%, loose ends)
  • plot ( 75% , errors)
  • villain ( 80% , less charisma)
  • final encounter ( 100%, good action & comedy)
  • Acting (80%, loosing points on Megan Fox)
  • Justification to mocis/Series (90% , consistent to fan’s imagination)
  • cliche/flaws ( -50%, minor flaws)
  • Extra points (0% , no efforts on hotness of reporter, no great villian plan & charisma)

Junkman’s Overall movie rating/score calculation  : 1.8+1.9+0.75+0.75+0.8+1+0.8+0.9-0.5+0 = 8.2

 Junkman’ movie rating/score ( real & apparent rating) = 82% or 8.2/10

Junkman’s conclusion –  fun movie, definitely one time watch, original turtle action & good comedy.worth spending money.

 This analysis is critical,

Yours truly,

Junkman

Movie Review : Teenage mutant ninja turtle (2014)

Movie Review : Teenage mutant ninja turtle (2014)

 

A Warm Welcome

/ Vishu Mishra / Leave a comment
A Warm Welcome - humor story

The Story-teller : ” Humor me..”

 

‘aah..hope dad ain’t mad over my communication past year’, sighed Ankit.

Holding this thought for a second, he then knocked on that big-black familiar door of his home. It read ‘flat no. 28 – Sharma’s Residence’.

He hadn’t seen home for a while, reading the name plate thrilled him. He planned this trip out of the blue and tried best to keep this a surprise visit. He was worried over his fiance’s reaction to his secret plan and then jumped over pondering about his parent’s joy on his visit. Before he could smile and knock, door’s latch made a cranky sound and it opened to the inside.

There Stood a big black man attired in a grey suit, holding the door knob. Sneaking a view through the half opened door unveiled a crowdy gathering and loud party music.

Stumped to the event, he took off his earphones and spoke ,

“Is there some party going on??” asked Ankit to the bouncer (the door man).

“yes sir! it’s a ‘home welcoming party to Mr.Sharma’s only Son”, said the bouncer.

“Huh! But I din’t say anything about my arrival ,then How come?”,surprised Ankit tried to step inside the hall.

The bouncer stopped him, “sir! may I see your invitation”,he requested.

“WHAT!! you’re gonna ask me invitation to my own house?,I am Ankit! Ankit Sharma! The SON!!”.he said loudly, ridiculing the stupidity of his question.

“and I am sure sir! you have your invitation!”, replied bouncer, much calmly.

After few verbal exchanges, Ankit showed his ID but it din’t impress the gate man.

A long fussy debate got over with a bribe of 1000 Rs and ankit finally walked inside the hall.

He murmured  ,“ Damn man! money to enter your own home, what stupid crooked security, am gonna make him apologize by night”

he placed his bag beside the door, as asked by the bouncer. Then he took one of the slippers from shoe rack and placed his travelling shoes in place. He started moving around, scanning this loud and crowdy room. He sees his father at farther end of hall. He waves to his father who waved back with a smile.

Sanguinely, he pushed through the drunk and dancing crowd, got some red wine spilled on his white shirt.

Ignoring the spill, “Hey Dad! Surprise!! I am home! ”,he rejoiced.

However, his facial efforts kept accentuating and he started looking un-natural and uncomfortable to the passive reaction of his father.

“Hey buddy! Any confusions? Must be Ankit’s friend right? you should meet my son Ankit! He’s standing next  to the Dj control! change your shirt dear! It stinks with wine spill!”,said Mr. Sharma, who then waved at another guy and left.

Ankit got stupefied to this bizarre response and stood blank for a moment. Something hit him in the head, as if either he travelled in time machine or suffered a brain wreck. Not thinking further, he looked around for the DJ control, to find this other Ankit.

He got desperate and pushed hard through the crowd. However, his physique didn’t agree to his anger, got tripped over and broke his glasses.

“Damn! These people must be really happy for my return! They are celebrating and wrecking  all over me”, he murmured.

he started crawling on the floor and finally reached the DJ control with mighty efforts. A man helped him to get up,

“hi! I am Ankit! I just came back from states, nice welcoming party, isn’t it?!.

And you’re..?” ,said the DJ.

“ ummm.. i.. am.. Ank..Ankit too, never mind”,said Ankit, now feeling insulated to this stupid scenario.

“oh! You must have been a friend of dad, never seen you before, a distant relative, are you??”,he said, lowering the sound of speaker.

“what the hell man! This is my home! Who are you and what is goin on..”,Ankit erupted with anger.

The man at DJ asked him more questions-he  questioned his identity, his job, his relations in india and added royally to his frustration. Further, adding worsely to Ankit’s annoyance- the DJ man would lower the volume while asking questions and increase it while Ankit would try answering any of them.

he (dj man) laughed at him,again and again and again..

“Hey man! I can’t make any sense of you! I guess the music is too loud! Why don’t u change that stinky shirt and wear a t-shirt from the many lying at sofa!”,said the DJ with a naughty grin.

“Strange deejay guy ,must be stoned on weed or something,everyone is effing stoned, am gonna scold everyone after the party”, said  patience god Ankit.

He then readily moved towards the entrance door, only to find his bag missing.

“Hey man! Where’s my bag,it had lot of clothing and gifts inside”, asked Ankit to the bouncer.

The bouncer din’t care to engage in any dialogues with him. Ankit too wasn’t planning to piss off the big guy. He shook his head in irritation and finally picked up one of the t-shirts from the sofa and changed.

He then moved around to search for his mother. Meanwhile, a man in crowd shouted to catch his attention, “Hey! Boy! Get me another drink and some snacks, will you”.

Trying to gratify himself as the party host , Ankit took the man’s glass and moved to the kitchen, “Rude guests! Where did the self service go man! Indians need pampering, always!!”

“hey mom! Thank god you’re here”, he looked left to his shoulder and smiled.

The old lady smiled, she nodded and intimated him that she can’t hear him.

He got agitated and shouted again,

“hey mom! Thank god I found you. surprise! I am home!!”,again putting lot of efforts in facial expressions.

The lady took a pencil and wrote on paper, ‘Nice to meet you son.I can’t hear,I am temporarily deaf!’.

”oh!! what happened Mom”,asked worried Ankit.

She wrote again-‘You must be one of my husband’s  associates, he  has pulled off a great deal in first quarter  and  he is celebrating with this nice party, isn’t that great!’,she smiled.

He lost the conversation at that very note and got completely out of his mind, “WHAT the hell is going here!”,he yelled.

He moved out of kitchen, crawled around the wall’s corners, trying to reach the DJ’s desk. He got stumbled at one of the mirrors, only to find out that he was wearing a t-shirt that read-‘gladly at your service! ‘King’s kitchen’.

“what the hell man! i ain’t a bloody waiter here!”,he shrugged furiously.

Having had enough of party, he stormed to the DJ floor, took one big speaker and broke it pieces.

The whole crowd looked shock and awe. They stared at him for a moment, then each one in the room took out their giant headphones and disc players, plugged in and started dancing like crazy. They were literally mocking ankit and celebrating over his frustration.

He looked around with a whacko face, his mouth was wide-open. He madly looked at each one of them and shouted- “mad house!! MAD HOUSE ,MADD HOUSEE ,I AM LEAVING”

Instantly, a man pushed him to the centre, where his father stood with his cousin brother and fiancé,

“the DJ is my brother, it was my idea to give you a sweet dose of reminiscence”, winked his fiancé.

“Never lie to your fiancé sweety and never leave your mail box open, I saw your bookings a week back”, tongue in cheek, she smiled.

“yes, and you must keep in touch regularly, or we will throw you more surprises” , laughed all-  his father ,mother and his cousins.

“Okay! Okay!  I am sorry, I know I know, but please don’t give me such train wrecks”, sheepishly smiled an apologetic Ankit.

Everyone burst into laughter and joined in to cut the cake which read-

‘Surprise!!! ,If you want to evade one-KEEP IN TOUCH!! 😉

yours loving,

family & friends”.

Ankit understood everything and said – “ohhh!!! And it makes sense too, wow! hahah”

and the whole place burst into another laughter.

“Yes! I promise, I will take out more time out of my busy schedule”,said a sincere Ankit with smile.

“ if you din’t notice,you couldn’t have made it more classy! you  chose your surprise visit on 1st of april. I am sure it’s by default of-course,

aah..you’re so forgetful and clueless sometimes sweety”, smiled and winked his fiance.

She then blew the cake candles with him and then the actual welcoming party started. This party was pretty warm.

 

 

A Warm Welcome - Humor

A Warm Welcome – Humor Story

A Dog Day Journey

/ Vishu Mishra / Leave a comment
A dog day journey - humor story

”  humor me..”

Vincent opened car’s door & seated himself in back seat, in right middle. He felt a strong vibe of déjà-vu in this closed space. It smelled really funny inside that car, something very organic and ripe. It wasn’t probably the best idea to travel with his girlfriends’ family.

The front two seats were owned by her parents and last three were occupied by– baba a crying baby, Nancy his girlfriend & rob the elder brother. Rob or rather angry rob, was looking forward to his confrontation with this new traveller. He recently found out about their love affair. Vincent squeezed himself in middle, alongside the teeth grinding-eyeballing brother and obnoxious crying baby, who kept dropping saliva on Vincent’s pants.

Fifteen minutes passed, Vincent broke his silence and enquired the girls’ father, as to why the car was bumping so much. Father explained that the car needed a long due servicing which can only be done after this trip. Vincent being tallest kept hitting the car’s roof like a percussion instrument.

Few Minutes later, they heard a crying voice from car’s trunk. A quarrel of commentary erupted –  “I told u not to..”, “it wasn’t best idea..”, “see I knew it ..”, broke loud inside the car with baby crying again in response. Father stopped the car and took out the dog- a big eyed German shepherd from back trunk and they took it inside the car.

Now dog being inside, Vincent was trying to close his feet to its growls and threats. Meanwhile hitting his head to car’s roof, he thought-

“Damn this dog! No wonder the car smelled funny earlier!”

He overheard a conversation about how dog’s weight was balancing the bad shockers of car and how the ride will now get rougher. Vincent was flabbergasted to the eccentric ideas of family, bumping his head harder and harder to roof, his thoughts got vigorous,

“Damn you Scooby doo! This Flintstone car sucks man!”, he frowned and stared at the dog. The Dog stared back like he read his mind. It expressed his disgust for Vincent by dropping more saliva on his feet.

Vincent whistled and snagged the dog’s tail, looked in another direction unknowingly. The dog got irritated and barked at the baby! .The baby started crying and dog’s mouth got shut, overwhelmed to baba’s high octave sound.  Vincent enjoyed his notoriety with a silent-wicked laughter. The elder brother caught his crap, stared at him with angry eyes & grinding teeth.

The parents asked rob to exchange position with Vincent and keep the dog calm. Vincent was totally flustered by this unsettling nonsense but was still happy to exchange positions. He opened the right window to gasp for fresh air. He looked at Nancy; she was asleep – calm & uncaring to this minor chaos.

The road started turning right and as if, “the stone age monsters were throwing bad luck to this Flintstones car”, thought Vincent.

The elder brother’s eyes lit with mischief and he started pushing Vincent to the door with every centrifuging turn. After a torture of fifteen minutes, family stopped for lunch.

Half hour later they started back en-route. Vincent resumed his war by grabbing the middle seat and started pushing elder brother to the right. However, both looked straight making no eye contact or uttering any words of frustration.

“It’s a mind game, I will win it!” thought Vincent and grinned.

With Vincent’s head still bumping, the scores were finally tied. Complacent Vincent exchanged positions with sleeping Nancy. Vincent dropped the glass and looked out the left window to change his war mood to happy mood.

Smelly dog was now seated in front seat, his snout stuck out of front window gasping for fresh air. He closed the window and baba started crying, he opened it and the dog’s saliva rained on his face. He was stuck oscillating in this unfortunate loop.

Off with frustration and head bumps, he beseeched around for a cushion. His desperate scooping got lucky and he got hold of something that apparently looked to suffice. He got hold of a cotton stuffed thing from back seat and put on his head to prevent from bumping, it dripped!!

“damn-shit it’s the baby’s wet huggies, filled with pee”, Vincent was disgusted. The elder brother chuckled and baby started laughing.

“I will kill you Scooby-doo! Said Vincent.

Now concentrating! With his tongue stuck out to left, aiming sharp nail pins on car’s front tire. Ten tries and finally it hit! With ‘whushhh’ sound it blasted and car stopped. Vincent took a knife and cut chords on suitcases that were placed atop, bound to carrier. He decided to sit above; on car’s roof .It was appreciated by majority of the family – the chuckling brother, the smelly dog and laughing baby. However, Nancy stood indisposed and abstained from her opinion, deep in slumber she lay snoring the entire time. He finally rest atop, gasped for peace and looked above in the Clear sky-

“Damn! It’s enough for the day, some other time”, he thought.

*end*

thanks for reading.

regards.

By : Vishu Mishra